Small Word with Big Effect

Here's a riddle... What is hard to do, tough to keep and easy to lose? Do you know the answer? Trust. Dictionary.com defines Trust as to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something. This plain, simple little word can damage friendships, wreck marriages and put nations at war. If I had to choose between Love and Trust on which one is more important... I would choose trust.I'm sure people out there would disagree and say love. But love is a fickle thing. I have love. My family love me. (at least most of them do) My friends love me.(I am very lucky to have them)  But with trust, that is something we have to work for, to earn. We strive through life trying to be accepted by our fellow man/woman. Corporations have to give some trust to their employees that they will come to work, make money and continue to build up the company for the future. A husband/wife/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend has to trust that their significant other will not abuse or misuse that trust given to them. But what happens when trust has been compromised? Do you continue to trust that person/thing or should you shun them and continue on with someone/something else?

For the past few months I've been at war with myself on this topic. The trust in my home has been compromised. None of the inhabitants of my home trust one another. Little sister doesn't trust big brother to keep his word to play. Big brother doesn't trust little sister with his belongings. Husband doesn't trust wife, and wife doesn't trust husband. I have always prided myself on solving problems. But this is one problem that I have yet to solve. The worst part is it's taking its toll. For my part I've been eating very little, (which looks good for my figure)  having crap for sleep, and my body is slowly not functioning properly. (Which is bad for my goals not to mention my body as a whole). This is not a door to be kicked down. This is being tied up and thrown into the river and then told to swim. Not only has this affected myself but it's affecting my marriage too. If you can picture two boxers that is what it's like inside of me. I am at war with myself. On one hand I have my very forgiving, loving, maternal self that tells me "Forgive and forget". On the other hand I have my tough, bad ass, angry self yelling "Why should I have to."

Have you ever watched A Long Kiss Goodnight with Geena Davis. Its when she was in an accident, lost her memory just to discover that the sweet woman everyone knows is an assassin and cold blooded killer. As I gain more confidence in myself I notice that the sweet, chubby person is slowly being replaced with a stronger bad ass. I noticed that I don't take as much crap from anyone. I shouldn't have too. The people in my life (friends, family etc...) that matter know, that because of the trust that they have earned, I will be there for them no matter what. I love them with all my heart and inner presence. They know to depend on me. But how can I put everything that I hold dear to me and show my children to be strong when all that they are seeing is someone weak?

My Life Anew

That is why I am blogging. I want to stay on track and I need people's help to keep me on track. I have never been so scared. I'm now 38 years old. It takes time, that I don't have, to complete the things that I want to do. I have to be sure because I do not want to be 60 and starting over. I have to figure out where do I start. So first thing is first...My appearance. Over 24 months ago I weighed 208 pounds! Now I'm 5'4 and weighing 208 pounds will hurt your body. I felt it in my knees. All that weight. In the past 16 months I was able to get my weight down to 170lb. I am currently between 155-160lb. That is still a lot of weight. I have lost 53lb and kept it off! That's a first grader! I lost one whole kid! I want to get to 135lb by the end of this year. It is really hard to do.

The second thing that I need to do is educate myself. I was going to become a
Nurse Anesthetist. I barley made it to an LPN and then gave up my career to be a mom. I have no regrets in doing that. I would do it all over again but with a few tweaks. My kids are smart, well behaved, well mannered kids. I do not think they would have turned out that way if someone else raised them. I am in their lives 24/7. They know if they need me I will be there for them. They also know that they are loved by two dedicated parents. But they don't need me as much anymore. I don't want to be one of those mom's that when the kids go off to college, they are lost. So I'm going back to college. I want to be a Radiologist with a continuation into Nuclear Medicine. Unfortunately, I miss the dead line for this fall. So I have 1 year to get as many per-requisites out of the way. Remember nothing worth while is ever easy. I just have to kick this door down too.



Me at 208lb!                          Me at 155lb!

Conscious Inception

"When one door shuts, Another one opens." I'm sure we have all heard that old adage. The problem with that is all the doors have slammed shut in my face. After awhile you get sick and tired of being sick and tired! That is where this blog comes in. Let's face it.... I need help. I am a mother of two wonderful kids, a wife to a decent husband and my life was going now where. I was over weight, had little self esteem and was craving something...something that I didn't even know existed...Life!

This is, as I would like to put it, my third life. My first life started when I left home at the age of 18. I married early (Momentary Laps of Reason) and, thank goodness, divorced early. My second life started at 22. I met my now husband of 12 years, had two kids (boy and a girl), is a full time mom and I thought my life was complete. During our marriage I found out that I was missing out on life. I always thought of my family and friends, but I never thought of myself. I was living vicariously through other peoples stories of their adventure on life. I had to step back and reevaluate my own life. I wasn't pleasing anyone. My husband was miserable, my kids were miserable, I had little friends and nothing that I could say "That was me".

Have you ever looked into the mirror? Not just to see your reflection, but to truly see what you are? I would have to say that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I didn't like what I saw. My husband always told me, "You are the only person that can make yourself happy." He's right.(And I don't say that often) I looked into the mirror and didn't like what was looking back. Where did the years go? I saw a woman aged before her time. What happened to that young girl I once knew? Life beat her up and broke her spirit. I truly felt alone. I was losing my husband, my children were unhappy and I had know one else to blame but myself. I never cried so hard. I remember that heart ache. I never want to feel that way again.

Anger is a good feeling to have. I was angry at what I did to myself. I was angry at what I did to my innocent children. I was really angry at my husband but I cannot blame him. So this is my Third life! And let me tell you it won't be my last! Time for some change. I am going to kick the door down instead of wait for it to open! I'm done being sick and tired! This is my Conscious Inception. Now for the really hard part...Where do I start?