Pencils, Paper, Text Books Oh My!

I am finally into a routine of eating right (love my veggies), working out (kickboxing rocks!), doing my walks (I still hate "the hill from hell"), taking time for myself, and all in all getting ME back on track. My next step is my education. It is now time I get my brain into shape. I cannot stress how important it is to educate yourself. Companies now won't even take a look at you unless you have some college if not a 4 year degree with you continuing on to your masters.

Now I kick myself everyday for not going back and finishing up my degree when I was in my 20's. I always thought that I would pick up where I left off. But now that its time for me to start back up I find myself not wanting the degree and career that I originally chose. 12 years ago I was in school for Nursing. I now find that I don't want to be a nurse anymore. The job doesn't pay for all the hard work that you have to put into it. Your time doesn't equal your value. So I'm in a position to change careers. With that decision my possibilities are endless.

My dilemma is do I stay in the medical field which I know that I am good in or do I try for a field that is completely alien to me, but the value will equal the time put in? If I was looking at this from a purely financial prospective then the latter would apply. With treading new waters comes the uncertainty of can I even do this position.

My husband can be a wise man when he chooses and has told me,  "either do something that you love, or do something that will make you lots of money." Again he is right... I can do something that I love (like healthcare) but my income won't compensate the time put in. I'll enjoy my career and want to get up everyday I just won't get paid for it. Or I can go into the technological field. There are very few women in the tech world and its a field that is very well compensated, but I don't know if I will like it. This is my last chance of switching my career. I'm getting older, not younger. I don't want to switch careers when I'm sixty realizing that its not the path that I wanted in the first place.

There are tons of free education websites that I can trial and error to my hearts content. One such site is www.coursera.org. Here you can take classes (not for credit) from Ivy League colleges like Stamford University, Harvard, Princeton, Michigan State, Penn State.... the list goes on! You get top professors from a credited school and at the end you will earn a certificate that you took the course not for credit. It's all free and open to the public

But I'm not good in math and I know that the tech industry uses math for multiple things. This is where I go to brush up on my skills of math, science, history, even music if I needed to. http://www.khanacademy.org site is also free to the public. My children even use this to brush up on their skills. Its good for adults also who are too embarrassed to go to a classroom. The last thing I need is to deal with some 18 year old who doesn't care that they are in class. Only that mom and dad are paying and are told to go.

So here I go into a new world where things are alien to me. Hopefully I will land into a position that will suit me just fine. Still scary but the risk is hopefully worth it.

Time to hit the book!

                                                      

Take a Hike, Go Fly a Kite or Just Beat It!

It is now time for me to get back into the swing of things. After a few weeks of dealing with family, friends and just my own problems I was worn out! I didn't realize how much just dealing with everyday life drains you. Even my kids notice that I was not all their. It was like I just didn't care what happened to me or what was happening around me. I was tired all the time. I hated to get up. I just wanted to dream and stay in that dream. I was even asking myself what was wrong with me. I started getting sick. The fight that usually kept me going wasn't there anymore. I would agree with my husband on things just so we wouldn't disagree on subjects because I didn't have it in me to prove my point. Something needed to change... I needed a break!

That's is when I realized that I needed a vacation. At first I was looking for something local. Just a day away. As I kept looking I noticed that I needed more. More out doors, more activities and also more rest. I needed to get away from it all. I needed different surroundings, different walls, different people. And that is what I received.

Friends are fantastic! A good friend stays with you through everyday things. A great friend you don't have to see for years, and when you do see them you can pick up where you just left off. I am very fortunate to have both. One friend that I went to go see gave me the vacation to always be remembered. Its funny because after 12 years of not seeing her or even speaking to her for years on end we picked up like it was just yesterday! Now I'm not saying to open your little black book and start visiting every childhood best friend you could think of but its nice to have friends that you can tell all and share all. Even if years have passed in between.

My vacation was in every since of the word perfect. I went to Disneyland, I saw family, I saw more best friends, met new people, took hikes around neighborhoods, rested, ate amazing foods, went to the beach (love the ocean), ocean kayaked and just had new experiences!!! I think I laughed more often then I've ever done in such a long time!

My husband and I take separate vacations once a year then take a family vacation once or twice a year. I know it seems strange to go our separate ways. People always ask me if things between us are OK. But we have found out that we need a break from each other too. When we come back we are better spouses and even better parents. We can deal with us once again. All my problems I can look upon in a whole new light or even attitude because we did have that little break. I can even notice that my husband has that spring back in his step because he had his break too. In short we can stand each other again... I've missed my husband and now I remember why.

So go take a hike! Go fly that kite! Just get lost and forget everything for a few days! Because when you get back you can face everything again. The fight comes back and you are ready to battle life!

Me getting LOST!

These Boot are Made for Walking

So for the past two weeks I have not posted any blogs on what is happening. I do apologize for my lack of writing. Things have been crazy around here with end of school for the kids, getting ready for vacations (yippee), and trying to keep on track with my diet and exercise. I have so far stuck with it. Its strange that when I don't do my exercise I feel tired and crappy. I feel like I didn't do anything all day even though I probably accomplished a ton of chores and tasks. So I think its safe to say that I have a routine now!!!

I was caught off guard the other day when a acquaintance of mine said "Wow, you are so lucky. Your life must be great." I looked at my friend and laughed.... I couldn't help it. It was an uncontrollable laugh. I had to apologize to my friend because I'm sure they were insulted by my reaction, but after I calmed down I explained why I was laughing at their statement.

My life is not perfect, healthy or happy all the time (or even most of the time). On most days I'm driven crazy by a over achieving husband, over logical children, dramas from family/friends, fighting to go to school and fighting myself in the process. Some days my marriage is barely holding on by a thread. My children are having nervous breakdowns. I have to organize each emotion, each situation and start over each time trying to fix everything. Plus carry on with my own crazy life, and hold down a home. So I have my chores, food shopping, and cleaning to do. From my point of view there's no grass on this side of the fence. It's weed choked in some areas and dead in others. Every now and then you have a nice tiny patch of green grass but its barely surviving. After explaining this to my friend I think I burst their bubble that there is a perfect life out there.

But think of it. We go through life wishing we had someone else life. Wouldn't it be great to be a movie star? All the glamor, fame and money? But then you see that they have no private life, they have to starve themselves constantly or bulk up for a part, and even though it would be nice to have their income it's not worth it to be chased by paparazzi and crazy fans all the time. You see a couple holding hands and you say to yourself I wish I was them. But what if they fight all the time, or she has eating issues, or he's emotionally disturbed. Would you want to still be them?

I have caught myself on many occasions thinking that's what I want. I come to realize I don't want another person's life. I have my own. It's mine to do with as I please. I don't want to walk in someone else stinky shoes. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. I'll tend to my weed choked garden and patch up the holes in my shoes. Even though it's not perfect it's still mine and that's good enough for me. 

You don't need another persons shoes to walk in

My garden of life

                                    

Honest Courtesan

Trying to figure men out can give most women an ulcer. I'm sure men feel the same way. But what make both men and women tick... Sometimes I feel I need to become a Venice Courtesan. In the 16th century if you didn't marry into the right home and you were a woman you had 3 choices... Become a maid, go into a nunnery, or become a courtesan. Women were just mere objects. Something for their husbands to prance around. Women were not considered very important. They were not allowed to be educated and had very little rights. My have we come a long way!

Women now are educated. We can choose who we wish to be with. We can make our own money. We have options with everything. If you don't like your situation you are able to change it. And that's the point I am right now. So I currently have changed some of my situation. My relationship with my husband has seen better days but just working on it doesn't seem to be enough. My appearance has improved. I have so far lost over 50lb. My self esteem has increased and I feel stronger physically. Its now time to get my mental thinking into shape. That's where the honest courtesan comes into play so to speak.

A Courtesan was for the most part a high class "call girl". They were highly educated women who could talk to anyone on any level of experience. It is said that a King would go to his Courtesan for guidance on matters of state before he ever went to his counsel or Queen. That's what I would like to become. I would even like to be the "call girl". Although I would have only one customer. I want that high level of education. But not in just one area. I want politics, diplomacy, science, skepticism, religion, business, language, art, culture and yes even in sex, intimacy, and love. I don't want just a job... I want a career. I don't want just a husband... I want passion. I don't want just an education... I want it all! There are so many things that I have discovered that I want to do... that just one lifetime could never fulfill it.

So here I go... I start with my education. I head off to the college to enroll in a class of my choice. Then off to the library to grab a book on any topic I wish. The world is mine for the taking... And guess what? I'm going to take it!


                      

Ode to Joy

Do you want to be happy? We hear that from so many self help books, seminars, gurus and mom. Do you want to be happy? Such a simple question, but with so many implications. Are there people out there that don't want to be happy? Do you wake up one morning and say "I'm going to make my family, friends and co workers miserable." I'm sure there are. Anything is possible but for the majority of us we strive to become happy. But what makes us happy? What is happiness anyhow? Is it something you can buy? Possible. Is is it something that is shared? If you're lucky. Why do so many people want it and why are so many people not?

I'm doing my best to find my happiness. For such a long time I was not happy. I wasn't miserable either. It's not that I had a horrible home life. I have a family, a roof over our heads, food is on the table but something was lacking. I was missing something...me. Lately my happiness has been in spurts. One weekend I did everything in my power to make everyone around me happy and I failed on so many levels. Then the next weekend I let everything go its own course and everyone was happy.

How do I find my happiness? Well I'm still floundering on that one.I know what my goals are. I'm trying new things like camping, kayaking, hiking. I'm even doing dance lessons and exercise in the park and I am getting out more. Meeting people, going to events,  just in general having fun. But will that make me happy? Will it make my family happy? Maybe my husband will be happy for me knowing that my goals are met but I don't think it will make his happiness any more so. My children are proud of me for just trying to make myself better but that doesn't make them any happier.

"No one can make you happy, only you can make yourself happy." That's something that my husband used to tell me. I hate to admit it but he is right. In this point and time of my life I'm not horribly miserable but I'm not ecstatic either. As I am changing I notice that the people around me are"better" if I can use the word. They are not ecstatic but they are not crying. I see for myself that I can change my situation for the better! I can get what I want if I work hard and long for it! I can be happy!



                                                                  

Help My Family is Sabatoging MY Diet

Trying to feed your family right and get the proper nutrition for yourself is something that I have had a hard time doing. I have tried many different styles, diets and food fads to kill an elephant. The problem is your family has learned to eat a certain way and to veer from that type of eating is declaring war on your household. Not to mention to eat right for you is not always the right way for growing, still developing children. We don't need the fat. They still do. The human brain is always growing in a way. It can replace lost cells and nerve passage ways throughout your life. In some ways, the behavioral part of the brain is developed to a large extent by the age of 12. Other behavioral aspects continue into the mid twenties. But the brain cannot develop properly if its not getting enough fat. Not sugar fat, or fast food fat but good healthy fat. (From avocado, meat, chicken and very important fish to name a few) People mistakenly get the wrong types of fats into their diets. I had to go through many different types of meals before I found one that we can all agree upon. 

The one that I have chosen (I should say my family has chosen) is a Mediterranean style eating. (Think Greece, Croatia, Italian) In this type of eating I have laid out many different types of food. From dairy (cheese slices, yogurt, cold milk, hard boiled eggs), starches (mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, rice, couscous, Quinoa, bread) veggies (raw/steamed broccoli, carrots, bell peppers, fresh tomatoes), fruit (oranges, apples, grapes, mango, olives) on the table. Then I give them a small piece of meat/fish on their plate. They pick and choose what they want to eat and everyone is happy. Surprising enough this doesn't cost anymore to eat this way. It does take more preparations, but cost wise eating on one big plate was more money then eating like this. And everyone is happy and full. What ever is leftover is used for the next day's meal. 

Portion control is a must as well. Too much of a good thing can still be bad for you. American's have the mentality of "More is Better". With that we have an over excess of everything...(except money). Bigger houses, more clothes, abundance of food than the rest of the world. The rest of the world looks at Americans as gluttonous. Unfortunately I have to agree. We have become so spoiled with getting more of things that our waistlines have expanded with the rest of our lifestyle. To train yourself to eat off of a small plate is hard to do. I eat off of 6x6 plates. That's what our portions should be. To go beyond that is asking for a bigger midsection and more clutter in your home. It's not easy, but nothing worth the effort ever is. Find the right diet for you and your family and not only will you have a happy home but your waistline will thank you for it.

Breakfast in my house

Let them pick and choose

                             

Fe Maidens

After you have walked for about 3-4 months your body starts to develop a routine. This routine needs to get going. Your body craves the hard work that you do to it. Later after a great workout you are tired, relaxed, sore (mostly sore), and your head is clear. But something is missing. You need more. You feel like you have to push yourself. Walking is not cutting it. That is when weight training comes in.

The one myth that I am told the most is "be careful or you won't look like a girl anymore. You'll get these huge muscles and start looking like the Hulk." The truth is unless you are genetically gifted and have the dedication of Gandhi you will not look like those amazing and beautiful women who compete. Those women have thousands of hours in the gym. Their dedication to their sport goes beyond any normal gym rat that maybe lurking in the shadows. So to put it short lifting weights will not put hundreds of pounds of muscle. Unless you want it too. Weightlifting is a fantastic way to loose weight and tone up. Forget about those huge muscles that you think you'll create because that type of dedication is not happening at this point. But then, when you get to that point, your weight problem will be over.You won't be reading my blogs, you'll write your own.

One of my greatest help that I have received is a book. It's called The Men's Health Big Book of Exercises by Adam Campbell.  This book has it all. All exercises for every muscle group. Useful diet information. And a no shit explanation of why you should do something. This is my bible. Here I started tailoring my weight routine. I was able to find a meal plan that was perfect for me. Not only for me but also for my family. This is a big change. You don't do this, lose the weight and quit. Your whole life changes. This IS your life. I've noticed that if I go one day ,(that's not to be a scheduled rest day), of not doing my workout I feel rotten, almost sick even. If I do a crappy workout at least I did it. (It becomes more mental)

If the Big Book is my bible then www.T-Nation.com is my preacher. Here you will get honest answers to any question that you may have. But beware. They will tell it like they see it. If you are one to get offended easily then don't go to this site. They will tell you to get off your fat lazy ass, put down the Twinkies, and get a life that you will be proud of. But that was putting it nicely. The men/women of BioTest Laboratories have tested, proven, trained, failed, succeed just about every diet, fad, exercise and mental stability there is known to man. If they don't have the answer that you need, someone somewhere on that site will find it for you. They are also very forgiving to newbies, and will help you navigate the tremendous information, (both useful and hype) on what you should do to get the results that you want.

Men's Health Magazine is another good source for information. Here you will learn the latest in equipment, products and what's on men's mind. Ladies please don't be discourage that the sites that I'm giving you are tailored mostly for men... There are women's sites and magazines, but with those they tend to be trendy or don't tell you all the facts. I like to use both. Women's Health magazine is also a good magazine. As I said before they can be a bit trendy. It does have useful information and articles. I just find that I like going to mens sites because men don't want to BS you. They don't have time for the runaround. So it's too the point and that's what you get. My time is precious to me. I don't have an abundance of it.

The next thing you should do is keep a log. I know, I know sounds cliché right.  But it is a way to show you how well you've progressed. In this log put down what you have eaten for the day, did you workout, what you did and your basic thoughts. You will look back later and realize how much you have changed. Your mental thinking will have grown as your body get healthier.

These are just a few things that have gotten me started. See what you think and set your own routine. Not everyone is tailored the same. What works for your family (and yourself) will not necessarily work for me. I will talk more about what I have done to get me to the point that I am right now in another blog. I hope this helps.

Slowly I'm getting there!

                                                          
Dedication at it's finest

Time to Start

     With my last few blogs I talked about why I needed help to change my life. Now I'm going to talk about how I'm going to do it. My appearance is a big deal. When you walk out your door and you see a handsome man/woman you think to yourself wow they are nice looking. You don't know a thing about that person. As far as you know they are as dumb as a stick. But the part that you notice first is their appearance. Attraction is the main feature that helps us with our self esteem. The more notice you get (especially from the opposite sex) the happier you are. Men for example can go astray if a beautiful female shows them some attention that they are not getting from home. It doesn't have to be sexual just simple conversing seems to go a long way with men. Women on the other hand need that same attention. But we just want it from one person. The man or woman that we love. When that person no longer tells a woman that she is beautiful we cease to be beautiful. We get bitchy, angry and turn into something that we don't want to turn into. This usually happens right after kids.
      When the kids are born we become protective, nurture animals. We do everything in our power to make sure our little "cub" stays alive. We go so far in that raising that we lose all identity. I know this from experience. I am in no way a doctor or psychologist. But I lost everything about me just to become a mommy. I do not regret it for a minute. My children are smart, wonderful, well mannered kids. That is due to all our hard work that we put into it. But it does come with a price. I was tired. I didn't want to put on make up or dress up. Why? So my baby thinks I'm pretty. I wasn't being told from my husband that I was beautiful in any way. But to plead his case I didn't give him any reason to say it. The more tired I became the more lost I was. I am finding myself again.I know that I can always improve myself. So to start off I am,as you guessed it, improving my appearance first.
     The question that I get is "I can't afford a gym. How can I lose the weight?' Now you don't need no stinking gym to have a good work out. Start off by walking. Yes the good old put one foot in front of the other method does worlds of good when you are just starting off. You really don't want to run because that's putting too much pressure on your already tired knees,leading to injury. I always hear of these over weight women saying "I'm training for a marathon". I can not think of a worse thing to do to your body. All that pressure multiplied a hundred fold on every jump you do on your poor knees. But getting a good pair of shoes and walking for the first 3 months does your mind and body wonders. I always feel good when I come back from a walk. I feel clear headed and my mood is lifted. If I walk with my friend I feel even better. I can rant and rave to her while I walk. All that anger goes away that when I'm done I feel calm. I can face my family again. Walking with a partner is the best therapy that I can think of and it's free. I very rarely walk on a treadmill. I feel more frustrated if I do. All that walking and I went nowhere.
     That's my first starting period. I started to walk and take hikes all over my town. Later I added weight training to my exercise. But that's another blog. Smooches!

                                 

Small Word with Big Effect

Here's a riddle... What is hard to do, tough to keep and easy to lose? Do you know the answer? Trust. Dictionary.com defines Trust as to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something. This plain, simple little word can damage friendships, wreck marriages and put nations at war. If I had to choose between Love and Trust on which one is more important... I would choose trust.I'm sure people out there would disagree and say love. But love is a fickle thing. I have love. My family love me. (at least most of them do) My friends love me.(I am very lucky to have them)  But with trust, that is something we have to work for, to earn. We strive through life trying to be accepted by our fellow man/woman. Corporations have to give some trust to their employees that they will come to work, make money and continue to build up the company for the future. A husband/wife/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend has to trust that their significant other will not abuse or misuse that trust given to them. But what happens when trust has been compromised? Do you continue to trust that person/thing or should you shun them and continue on with someone/something else?

For the past few months I've been at war with myself on this topic. The trust in my home has been compromised. None of the inhabitants of my home trust one another. Little sister doesn't trust big brother to keep his word to play. Big brother doesn't trust little sister with his belongings. Husband doesn't trust wife, and wife doesn't trust husband. I have always prided myself on solving problems. But this is one problem that I have yet to solve. The worst part is it's taking its toll. For my part I've been eating very little, (which looks good for my figure)  having crap for sleep, and my body is slowly not functioning properly. (Which is bad for my goals not to mention my body as a whole). This is not a door to be kicked down. This is being tied up and thrown into the river and then told to swim. Not only has this affected myself but it's affecting my marriage too. If you can picture two boxers that is what it's like inside of me. I am at war with myself. On one hand I have my very forgiving, loving, maternal self that tells me "Forgive and forget". On the other hand I have my tough, bad ass, angry self yelling "Why should I have to."

Have you ever watched A Long Kiss Goodnight with Geena Davis. Its when she was in an accident, lost her memory just to discover that the sweet woman everyone knows is an assassin and cold blooded killer. As I gain more confidence in myself I notice that the sweet, chubby person is slowly being replaced with a stronger bad ass. I noticed that I don't take as much crap from anyone. I shouldn't have too. The people in my life (friends, family etc...) that matter know, that because of the trust that they have earned, I will be there for them no matter what. I love them with all my heart and inner presence. They know to depend on me. But how can I put everything that I hold dear to me and show my children to be strong when all that they are seeing is someone weak?

My Life Anew

That is why I am blogging. I want to stay on track and I need people's help to keep me on track. I have never been so scared. I'm now 38 years old. It takes time, that I don't have, to complete the things that I want to do. I have to be sure because I do not want to be 60 and starting over. I have to figure out where do I start. So first thing is first...My appearance. Over 24 months ago I weighed 208 pounds! Now I'm 5'4 and weighing 208 pounds will hurt your body. I felt it in my knees. All that weight. In the past 16 months I was able to get my weight down to 170lb. I am currently between 155-160lb. That is still a lot of weight. I have lost 53lb and kept it off! That's a first grader! I lost one whole kid! I want to get to 135lb by the end of this year. It is really hard to do.

The second thing that I need to do is educate myself. I was going to become a
Nurse Anesthetist. I barley made it to an LPN and then gave up my career to be a mom. I have no regrets in doing that. I would do it all over again but with a few tweaks. My kids are smart, well behaved, well mannered kids. I do not think they would have turned out that way if someone else raised them. I am in their lives 24/7. They know if they need me I will be there for them. They also know that they are loved by two dedicated parents. But they don't need me as much anymore. I don't want to be one of those mom's that when the kids go off to college, they are lost. So I'm going back to college. I want to be a Radiologist with a continuation into Nuclear Medicine. Unfortunately, I miss the dead line for this fall. So I have 1 year to get as many per-requisites out of the way. Remember nothing worth while is ever easy. I just have to kick this door down too.



Me at 208lb!                          Me at 155lb!

Conscious Inception

"When one door shuts, Another one opens." I'm sure we have all heard that old adage. The problem with that is all the doors have slammed shut in my face. After awhile you get sick and tired of being sick and tired! That is where this blog comes in. Let's face it.... I need help. I am a mother of two wonderful kids, a wife to a decent husband and my life was going now where. I was over weight, had little self esteem and was craving something...something that I didn't even know existed...Life!

This is, as I would like to put it, my third life. My first life started when I left home at the age of 18. I married early (Momentary Laps of Reason) and, thank goodness, divorced early. My second life started at 22. I met my now husband of 12 years, had two kids (boy and a girl), is a full time mom and I thought my life was complete. During our marriage I found out that I was missing out on life. I always thought of my family and friends, but I never thought of myself. I was living vicariously through other peoples stories of their adventure on life. I had to step back and reevaluate my own life. I wasn't pleasing anyone. My husband was miserable, my kids were miserable, I had little friends and nothing that I could say "That was me".

Have you ever looked into the mirror? Not just to see your reflection, but to truly see what you are? I would have to say that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I didn't like what I saw. My husband always told me, "You are the only person that can make yourself happy." He's right.(And I don't say that often) I looked into the mirror and didn't like what was looking back. Where did the years go? I saw a woman aged before her time. What happened to that young girl I once knew? Life beat her up and broke her spirit. I truly felt alone. I was losing my husband, my children were unhappy and I had know one else to blame but myself. I never cried so hard. I remember that heart ache. I never want to feel that way again.

Anger is a good feeling to have. I was angry at what I did to myself. I was angry at what I did to my innocent children. I was really angry at my husband but I cannot blame him. So this is my Third life! And let me tell you it won't be my last! Time for some change. I am going to kick the door down instead of wait for it to open! I'm done being sick and tired! This is my Conscious Inception. Now for the really hard part...Where do I start?